What's the Worst that Could Happen?

The best part about living in New York is the part where the city really lives up to it's reputation. You walk down the street, probably pissed at someone who almost ran you over the previous block, and all of a sudden something crazy enters your world. You can't help but laugh. Today's edition features me walking up 9th avenue in the rain. One of those off and on rains where it pours for 5 minutes and then the sun comes out, followed by it pouring again 30 seconds later. During the tail end of the final down pour I pass a 5'3" drag queen in a shoddy wig doing a sashey down the block. As she goes by, she stares me down and belts out, 'C'MON HONEY, PUT THAT UMBRELLA AWAY AND GET WET!' I came home and reinacted the scene from Ace Ventura when Jim Carrey reinacts the scene from The Crying Game (the shower, the crying and the lighting of my clothes on fire). Only in New York.

And Now I'm all Itchy

Hey all,

A couple big announcements to hit you up with. 1st off, the Detroit Tigers are the best team in baseball with 54 wins. Yes, those Detroit Tigers. I'm hoping for a Mets/Tigers World Series so I can attend every game.

Second, and no less great of a feat, I just survived my 1st day of gainful employment in what seems like quite a few months (certain parties would say years). Hopefully this site doesn't turn work centric for a little while, because we all know work material is a fresh loaf of pumpernickel that goes stale pretty quick. I'm still not providing the name of where I'm working just in case I get p-o-ed and write something incriminating. I will say that it is pretty much the same job I got hired to do (software consulting) straight out of college. That was a mere 7 years ago. My how far I've gotten. More details to come.

Finally, I was in Chicago for a wedding this past weekend and boy was that ever something. Here's a few random pics. We've got Todd Shirak and his very pregnant wife, Mariella. A pissed King Dong. The Return of Senior Flamenco. And Chris Sytsma and his very pregnant bull.





If you've read down this far (or skimmed) you deserve a special treat. After the reception, we made like N2Deep and went back to tha' hotel. Unfortunately some old grievances were aired in a not so mature manor. Check out the results.

Click Here to see an awesome video of the after party (it's a large file).

Cheer Me Up Friday

Not trying to make a statement, but check out this quiz when you get a chance. It's not a gimmick and the answers surprised me.

Who said it? Ann Coulter or Adolph Hitler?

http://www.people.virginia.edu/~jac3he/GiveUpQuiz/hitlercoulterquiz.html

Thanks to Reader Matt for sending me this.

Countdown to Extinction

Everyone can let that breathe out, I've made it to Chicago in one piece. Most of you had no idea I was heading back to the Windy city for a long weekend and you are probably puzzled as to why I need to let you know I made it here safely. Well, when you have Acts of God and Satan's playtoys working against you, arriving safely can be a crapshoot. Follow along with me:

Tuesday, June 20th

6:45 pm - My 'car' dies in Manhattan, requires a jump to get it moved to a legal parking spot.

Wednesday, June 21st

8:05 am - 'Car' requires another jump to get it going for a 13 hour drive, we are looking golden. I also find out my portable, emergency battery jumper has run out of juice. Good omen.

10:20 am - Make first gas stop in Pennsylvania (refuse to stop in Jersey). Thinking ahead, I leave 'car' running while I fill up. Leave it running when I empty my own tank in the Exxon bathroom.

3:09 - Make second stop, 'car' has run well all day, feeling cocky I reach for he ignition key before filling up. I think better of it and leave it running throughout pitting. ABS service light comes on and I hear a noise in the back brakes whenever I use them. Uh-oh.

3:21 - Decide to stop by Toledo and pick up an air conditioner from my parents house. I'll need one for the new apartment and this saves me from buying it.

6:21 - Acquire air conditioner, decide to grab dinner with my parents and brother.

6:22 - Hardest rain I have ever witnessed accompanied by hail and tornados hits Northwest Ohio and Southeast Michigan. The street in front of my parents place floods for the first time ever.

7:44 - Rain slows and we decide to go out to eat. Watch neighborhood teens wading through a flooded part of the street. I want to yell out and ask them if they realize it is the sewers that backed up and that is what they are walking through. I hold back and say nothing.

7:45 - My 'car' refuses to start, even when being coaxed by a jump from my dad's car.

7:58 - Switch my gear to my dad's car, which he is allowing me to take to Chicago.

8:09 - 9:09 - (sounds of eating) It is agreed that my 'car' is officially dead and it's body will be donated to science, in this case Goodwill. My prognosis is; 'car' died from a broken heart. It knew I was going to sell it in Chicago and couldn't handle us being apart. Maybe I'm reading too much into this.

9:09 30sec - As I pull out and head for the Intersate, the skies open and dump a fresh helping of hail and wind driven rain down on me. I figure I'll drive over to the Turnpike and if it is still this bad I will wait out the storm before heading west. I make it probably a mile and a half through back roads with lightening going off all around me before I call the game.

10:09 - Back at my parents, I decide to take another stab. Say my 2nd goodbyes of the evening and head back to the Ohio Turnpike.

10:32 - As I'm heading down the entrance to the toll booth I notice there is a mist on the windshield of my dad's 'up till now running beautifully' car. I turn on the wipers to clear my view. The driver's side wiper catches on the passenger side wiper arm and the wiper on my side proceeds to bend in half. I've never seen that happen before. Hell, I've never heard of that happening before. I pull over, bend the offending blade back straight and try it again. Same result.

10:58 - Back at my parents. I call it a night. I don't believe in fate, but I also don't believe in fighting against the combined force of nature and Henry Ford.

12:50 - Asleep. My cell phone rings. I'm so out of it from my days experiences, I pick it up without thinking. A woman on the other line says, 'This is a hearing impaired assisted call, have you ever received one before?' Without weighing the consequences, I answer simply, 'no.' 'Well, the person on the other end will type their speech and I will read it to you and then type your answers.' I manage an, 'okay.' She starts, 'Hello, I'm interested in the 95 Buick you have for sale on craigslist...' I pause, finally I say 'Who put you up to this?' She says 'What?' Thinking that this is a joke from a friend, I say 'Tell them it's not for sale and since I don't know you or them I'm going back to bed.' I hang up. Somewhere the irony gods are smiling.

Movie Review: Nacho Libre

Nacho Libre; I've had more agreeable mexican from the dumpster behind Taco Bell.

I'm pretty sure Jared Hess (no relation) is tired of people quoting Napoleon Dynamite. I know I'm tired of it. Of course, in Hollywood such familiarity equals cash. So in that spirit, his second film has such built in catchphrases they might as well have sold t-shirts and lunch boxes outside the theater. Not a problem until you realize that unfortunately all the movie has to offer is one liners. It would have been watchable if they kept to the understated, ironic comedy of Wes Anderson. Instead Jack Black breaks out into his song and dance routine every 20 minutes and I just ate my hands off because I'm done writing about this.

Do they still make lunchboxes?

Moving to the Country, Gonna Eat a Lot of Peaches

When you live in New York, people say it is easy to feel like you're on a movie set. So many areas, buildings and landmarks have been featured in films you constantly have nagging deja vu. I decided to spend Father's Day wondering around Central Park and snapping pics of famous locations I recognized.

First up is the pond Ed Rooney (Jeffrey Jones) was running around in The Devil's Advocate when he was chased and killed by demons.

as always, click to enlarge photographs

Same pond, but from this angle you can see the rowboats used in the finale of The Honeymooners.


The pool where Rodney Dangerfield performed "The Triple Lindy" in Back to School.


The opening of Swamp Thing.


Not a true location, but this is where all the pre-shoot training for Big Top Pee-wee was done.


Closeup of Tobey Maguire, training for Spiderman 3, on said trapeze.


The cottage Steve Buscemi and Peter Stormare holed up in during the kidnapping in Fargo.


Sheep Meadow, a featured landing site in Independence Day. Please click on it to enlarge, it is amazing what digital cameras can do now-a-days.



That was definitely all fun and games but if you want proof that New York really is a crazy place to live. Check out this video. It features music considered hip 15 years ago as a soundtrack for a hobby that was popular 30 years ago.

EMERGENCY UPDATE!

Everyone and anyone in the tri-state area should keep their peepers open for a missing dog. His/Her name is Truffels and he/she's been missing for a few days. Truffels lives/lived on the Upper East Side and needs to be returned to his/her owner. We need to pay special attention to boat yards and men's fine clothing shops (see picture above), as Truffels prefers not to go out without a bow tie.

One last note, as explained by the picture there will be no questions asked on the return of Truffels. There are rumors that the Truffels missing dog case is really an abduction. I pray to Christ that is not the truth. If whoever took him/her harms 1 hair on Truffels delicate head, I will personally freakin' choke them to death. Sorry about the harshness of my tone but I think you understand.

'The Deluxe Apartment in the Sky-I'

Breaking News! Hold on, wait for it. Okay, now you're ready. We found an apartment for July 1st. That means a whole new area to explore and comment on. We sit directly on the fault line that separates the East Village from the Lower East Side. As a bonus, I'll have 2 new roommates to do it with.

I don't have any pictures of the place but it does feature a private deck which is pretty unheard of in Manhattan. The entire process of finding a place is pretty much the nightmare that you've heard it is. I'll put more down later, but for now I will leave you with pictures of the 80 square feet (4x4x5) where all my worldly belongings reside right now.

Yeah, I thought of The Shining too.

Sauce on Your Face is No Disgrace

You know how everyone has that one specific meal that drives them crazy. You won't think about it for weeks and then all of a sudden you walk by a korean grandmother outside the subway, you see her gnawing on a chicken bone and suddenly you're like, I need a piece of KFC. I can't live till I get that chicken in my mouth. That's what BBQ does to me every time. Ribs are good, but they can vary from place to place so much. I usually go with the tried and true pulled pork sandwich. I know New York has got it all, but I didn't hold out much hope for finding a blazin' BBQ restaurant. Cause everyone knows, good BBQ is not only about the taste, you gotta factor in cost. It shouldn't be too expensive. In high school, we used to travel to the fringe of the ghetto for some Fatman's Five Star Ribs. The polish sausage was cheap, the sauce was hot and you were never guaranteed the place would be open since it seemed to shutdown every couple months for ambiguous 'tax reasons.' You can imagine my surprise when I heard that NYC was hosting a BBQ festival down in and around Madison Square Park. They invited in those travelling BBQ setups that go from county fair to city fest all summer long (including the world famous Rib Off in Toledo, Ohio every year). I went down with my new roommate Jeff to check out the scene. It was a madhouse. We were informed that some of the lines for food were pushing past 2 hours. We settled on 1 that was close to 25 minutes. BBQ rule number 3, 'no matter how good it is, you only wait more than a half hour for BBQ if you are cooking it yourself.' It turned out to be decent. Now if I could only find a 7-11 that carried a decent slurpee.

Meltdown.

My fever has been cooled by a few degrees. Watched the USA Worldcup team take on Czech Republic earlier today. Wow. I thought it was tough being a Lions fan. The US looks worse than Coke Black. I'm pretty sure they swallowed whatever the Czech's had to give them without a hint of a gag reflex. 3 words to describe that game would be; timid play, atrocious passing and an inability by some of the team's fans to count words correctly. Italia is up next on Saturday. Those sweaty pasta-lovers are looking pretty good against Ghana (already up 1-0). We need a win to realistically remain alive. That is your Worldcup update for the day.

If you still need convincing to watch, click below to see Ronaldinho's Nike Ad

The Sound of One Hand Washing the Other

ADL this is everyone. Everyone this is ADL. He is totally the new saucy expert (not to be confused with sexpert) who is bloggin' it up in Chicago. I put a link to his site under the appropriately titled 'links' section on the right. Notice he slid in under Mark Cuban and right above my Milwaukee connection Loyd Grossman. 2 spots down from Bob Odenkirk and David Cross but still above Night of the Horrors. Welcome to the gang.

Click Here to check out Give Me Your Handrew

By the way, if you like to rock out as much as ADL and can't count the number of times you've screamed along to Skid Row while making love to an empty Jack bottle. Check out Chuck Klosterman's Fargo Rock City. Not as funny as his later stuff but it kicks so much 80's hair band ass, you'll be picking guitar pics out of your butt cheeks for weeks.

This Guy.

I'm not sure if this is something to be proud of or a very poignant display of my inner self.

Click Here to see something that probably should be rated R for revolting

Grow Up. Seriously.

I want a new drug - one that won't hurt my head

One that won't make my mouth too dry
or make my eyes too red.
One that won't make me nervous
wonderin' what to do.
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you
when I'm alone with you.
I want a new drug - one that won't spill.
One that don't cost too much
or come in a pill.
I want a new drug - one that won't go away

This Isn't Prison, There Are Rulz

After the Cubs game, we packed up and went out of town (drinking pictures to follow). Saturday's events involved a trip to the beach, kick-ass maple syrup douched bacon and the annual beer basketball tournament starting in the afternoon. This year's contest featured 8 teams of 3, the requisite 2 beers per teammate before each game and winners at 9. Good times were had by all until the event was marred by a flagrant foul in the championship game. Nice Guy Dan was brutally mugged by Wildly Aggressive Jeff in a play that will be lodged in the minds of those who witnessed it for years to come. Let's take a look at the replay.

Here's a good time. A literal picture of fun. Let's hope everyone is out there to enjoy themselves.


Whoops. Looks like Dan made a few too many plays and the other team sent out the enforcer to even up the field (think Bob Probert).


Dan left it all out on the court.


At least the guy responsible feels bad, right? Maybe not.


For a clearer discussion, check this out.

Click Here to see Kelly's Basketball Diaries.

C'mon Feel The Noise

I realized I advertised this site as a way to show the complexities, challenges and delights of New York City. For a little bit New York will be loaded into the backseat and properly strapped down (in the proper backwards direction) as I roadtrip to Chicago and share the memories.

First up was a trip to Wrigley Field to see the aweful Chubs take on... Umm. It was... Who cares. The Cubbies stink and so Wrigley is back to being the world's biggest beer garden. In that spirit, first up is the 7th inning stretch on video.

click here to be amazed by a video of those nearest and dearest to me.







and the Silver Fox... B.G. Rockin' the Cradle of Love.