Haastility

So it goes...

2007-06-27T14:12:00.000-04:00

Hi. So. The bus stop that I dutifully wait at each morning is situated directly in front of a funeral home. Getting up and heading to work each day is depressing enough. Sidestepping grieving family members and being constantly reminded of the end result of all this craziness dials my depression to -11.

Now that I've set you up with a good mortality ice-breaker... The reason I haven't posted or done anything with this in ages is because I devote most of my time to putting on shows with the greatest group of comedians in town. Check out what we've been up to here... www.myspace.com/blackhabanero

Watch the vids and come to one of our shows. They are really good. Reeeeeeally good. Don't be the last one on your block to find out.

In fact, here's the newest one...

I, ROBOT

Add to My Profile | More Videos

What's it Gonna Be?

2007-02-05T23:28:00.000-05:00

Mucho thanks to my engorged, I mean engaged friend Paul.

Your ass looks delicious.

Let's Just Say I do Alright

2007-02-05T23:22:00.000-05:00

Chris and I met some nice women this weekend. Thought I would brag it out a little bit. Picture time!

The Generic Cereal in a Bag of Blues Music

2007-02-02T23:26:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of people who are down on celebrities. I live in New York and find myself constantly surrounded by all kinds of fame and glitz (gotta love the glitz). I can say for certain that most celebrities put their pants on by snapping up the sides, just like we do. For instance, it's not like Steven Seagal would go around pretending to be an authentic delta blues musician and take on the moniker "Mojo Priest."

What's that? He does? No. Really?

I guess I've got a nice big shitburger of put-me-in-my-place stew to choke down. I'll give $20 to anyone who actually watches this whole "documentary."

*I reserve the right to pay the $20 in U.S. dollars or paperclip artwork.

Get Up and Wash Your Face

2007-02-02T23:06:00.000-05:00

The universe is more than random chance. Need proof? I give you...

Reno911:Miami, February 23rd.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theatres, March 23rd.

and...

Hot Fuzz, April 13th.

PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!

2007-02-02T21:17:00.000-05:00

The scene begins in a parking lot. A young you is stuck clutching a half drank Milwaukee's Best Ice, mascara running down your face. Watching, as all of your friends go into the Bon Jovi concert as you wonder how you missed out on getting tickets again.

Those traumatizing times are over. A new program, iConcertCal is able to work with your iTunes to alert you to upcoming shows. It scans your library, scans local venues and creates a calender showing when your favorite bands will be playing shows. It even provides links to the venues' ticket sites.

Pretty frickin' awesome.

Try it out here: www.iconcertcal.com/installation.php

Be Kind, Unwind

2007-01-30T21:15:00.000-05:00

These two are from the Chicago Fast Forward Film Festival. The gist is, you have 24 hours from when you get the subject to write, shoot and edit a 3 minute film. Sillyness ensues.

I Guess I'm the Jerk

2007-01-28T13:16:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of promoting this crazy world wide inter-web fantasy we live in, I'm partaking in the top 5 listing phenomena (say it like Master P did, Fa-Na-Mi-Na, Fanamina!) that is so popular as of right now. Thanks to Give Me Your Handrew for pushing me into this.

Five Things You Don't Know About Me:

1. I spent a good part of my yesterday wondering if any of the women I encountered were wearing wigs. I don't recommend this. Once I started, it was like I was in some Charlie Kauffman nightmare. I couldn't stop looking and wondering if it is socially acceptable to tug on ladys' locks to find out if they are real. Being on the subway was overwhelming.

2. I pushed the "Shuffle Songs" button on my iPod for the first time in at least 10 months. Out of the 9756 songs currently loaded, Cypress Hill's Legalize It from the Black Sunday album came up. That's right, that Black Sunday album. If you were in high school at any point during the early nineties, this album was important to you. Didn't matter what group you hung out with or what you were in to at the time, this album brought everyone together. Hell, I knew guys that started smoking dope because of this album. It was that good.
p.s. It still is.

3. Top 5 Dead Chicks I Would Totally Tag (that's right, a list within a list. deal with it)

a. Joni Lenz
b. Lynda Ann Healy
c. Georgeann Hawkins (a to c are Bundy victims 1 to 3, before he went all commercial and shit)
d. Ayn Rand
e. Madonna (the savior, not the singer)

4. If you are friends with me and would like to stay friends with me, please don't announce that you bought an engagement ring by saying, "I've purchased the hardware." It makes my skin crawl and I will be actively wishing for your marriage to end in a penis slicing incident.

5. John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. (Okay, that one is not really about me but it is information still worth knowing)

It's Thriller Time

2007-01-28T12:38:00.000-05:00

I think everyone can agree that today's pop music (notice I said popular, not all) and accompanying music videos rate somewheres around Jesus Jones for creativity. Nothing new is being said there. However, here is the kick in the ass. It seems like even old 'classic' videos seem disappointing. For instance, check out the Thriller video. Hasn't this been at the top of about 50 million all-time greatest video lists? Not sure what the big deal is.

God, I'm getting old.

Judy Baar-None

2007-01-18T19:47:00.000-05:00

You know what's wrong with politics? In any race there always has to be a loser (besides the American people that is). For instance, say you are a highly successful state politician. Say you are the first woman treasurer of what is arguably the 5th most populated state in the union. You become the head of Illinois'(s) Republican party, you marry, you divorce and you procreate with the outcome being a son. Then one day someone comes along and whispers 'governor' in your ear. Should you give it all up, all this treasurering for a shot at (state-wide) immortality? I know one woman who did. She put her testes on the line against an extremely popular incumbent Rod Blagojevich... and she lost. But I feel like all of us won, because we got to know her.

(imagine I've had the time of my life has begun playing)

Judy.

Judy's X-mas Card.

Judy's Book (don't forget, she was treasurer) (also notice this is the 3rd edition)

Judy with... Oh my god! Rod? Governor Rod Blagojevich? Smells like a scandal.

R.I.P. the career of Judy Baar Topinka, we will miss you.

The Genesis Project

2007-01-16T22:53:00.000-05:00

You know what is really funny/sad about this clip? I would say it ranks only about a 6 on the crazy meter compared to everything else going on in Washington DC.

Me thinks maybe Rep. David Wu, D-Oregon 1st District should start writing his speeches during the day and not at 1:30 am after a couple slices of deep dish during a deep space 9 marathon.

Crack Spider.

Violence of the Lambs

Pride and Perseverance

2007-01-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

New Year's Eve is a time for reflection.

Doctor Spock is a pussy.

Frequently Assed Questions

2007-01-14T10:54:00.000-05:00

This is how I feel about New York right now:

But sometimes I question myself because this is how I feel about New York:

To be perfectly honest, every so often, very late at night, this is how I feel:

It's nice to know he did something with his Weekend at Bernie's money.

Non Appropriate Title

2007-01-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

Holy lupus feces. I had no idea this kind of technology physically existed. I was going to run a bunch of pictures of just a few of the problems that could be eliminated by the mass production of this baby. Chavez, bin Laden, the entire Bush family but I think you get it. For those of you who hate knowledge and specifically you spending your time gaining it, allow me to summarize. GM has built a car with an electric motor that runs purely on saltwater. Furthermore, the engine not only creates enough power to propel you to taco bell and home but once you are back home you can power everything in your house off of it.

I Want You, to Want Me, to Answer Your Life Questions

2007-01-05T22:37:00.000-05:00

I receive more than a few electronic mail messages every day from concerned readers of this here humble website. Almost all said emails start the same way, 'when are you sending the money you owe me, scumbag. love gammie.' Every once in a while, something else slips through. In this case, a long time friend related a few dating scenarios she has been put through recently. I'm reprinting them here.

1. Rob
Rob is someone I know from running, and casual running events.
Rob showed up wearing a variation on his running clothes w/tracksuit.
Rob invited me to meet him at a Guiness Beer event - where you hear
the history & trivia of the Guiness Breweries, while sampling all 5 or
6 of their beers in 8oz glasses, plus 2 free 16oz glasses. Arriving a
bit late from my job, using public transpportation, there was no food
left. Just the lettuce beds the appetizers were served over. Beer + no
food = bad first date. Hungry and a bit wasted, walked 40min looking
for his car (drunk driving?) which he forgot the location of. On
arriving outside my building he stopped the car, placed it in park,
UNDID HIS SEAT BELT and leaned over. Stayed leaning over after
polite/perfunctory kiss goodnight.

2. Lain
Lain played the dog card. "I have a lab too!". On very cold night back
in December suggested a meeting place halfway between his & my house. A
bar that served food. I arrived 10-15min late. He had already had 3
beers. Consumed 5 more between 8:15 and 10:30pm. Ordered mac'n'cheese
from our stool seats AT THE BAR. Smokers on either side of us.
Football on large screens infront and to left of us. Proceeded on good
30-40min rant when he found out my occupation, about his dream to 'get
on a motorcycle and visit, really talk to "AMERICA". Find out what
they really understand about the middle east and the war in IRAQ and
George Bush. Interview them candidly in coffee shops across America.
Because, sure, anyone will talk to you if you buy them a coffee.' Rant
was one-way. Date was over about 15min before he realized it was over.
Did not offer to pay for my mac'n'cheese.

And my response...

god damn. i have to remember to start paying for their mac'n'cheese. i think anywhere from 7 to 13 beers is appropriate for a first date. my rants don't really take on inconsistent rambling dementia until i hit 9 or 10 guini (plural of guiness, i guess).

maybe i should start 'playing the dog card.' i could walk up to any attractive woman i would like to go out with and say, 'wow, i have a ___ too.' the ___ will be anything she has on her or with her. dogs are great, but i can go any which way and loose with statements like 'wow, i really enjoy shopping at h&m too' or 'wow, i also enjoy a nice piece of cheese.' Maybe even 'wow, i too have my own tights and miniskirt ensemble i prefer to wear in cold temperatures.' i need to look into this soon.

Filling for Your Waste-o-Time Sausage

2007-01-05T22:26:00.000-05:00

Have at it.

Follow it up with this basket of MENTAL WELLNESS:

Cut the Crap w/Clam

Familiars with Veggies

2006-11-20T21:18:00.000-05:00

Amateur

2006-11-20T20:50:00.000-05:00

Finally, this website tracks how many people are linking to your web-blog. The funny part isn't that I receive the worst rating, the funny part is apparantly someone has actually linked to my website. One person. Who is he/she and what were they inspired by?

What a Sack of Shit

2006-11-15T22:56:00.000-05:00

How does he face his children?

MC Escher that's my Favorite MC

2006-11-15T22:48:00.000-05:00

Manifesto

2006-11-10T15:00:00.000-05:00

The Best Around

2006-11-10T13:24:00.000-05:00

Infamous badboy comedienne and purported blog-hater, Aziz Ansari challenged his roommate to a shittiest mixtape contest. Whoever lost the contest had to walk around New York proclaiming their love for bad music.

This came up the other night. The music is fantastic and I think any show worth it's gravy should have an opening that lasts 2 1/2 minutes and shows scenes from every episode.

From the Dana Carvey show.

Courage Knows No Bounds

2006-11-06T23:07:00.000-05:00

If you have ever watched enraged New Yorkers have a screaming match over a spot in line, been taken aback by an old chinese man who round-housed kicked a soft drink cup off a 5 foot high pole to the applause of a van full of policemen or have simply wittled away hours wondering how and why moral conservatives care about gay marriage, you probably think the world is "crazy." Congratulations. While you are at home complaining about all this "craziness" or worse, trying to stop it, there are those few who are out there really pushing the boundaries of what "crazy" can become. Here's what happens when people realize you don't have to be as far out as Dennis Rodman anymore to make a few dollars off being borderline psychotic.

The Nutty Buddy (www.nuttybuddy.com)

I almost forgot...
On the way home today, an incident occured. I was wedged in a seat right next to an older hispanic man. All of a sudden, my cell phone starting ringing in my pocket. Only my phone was on vibrate... and it was pressed right up against his leg. I started to go for it but soon realized due to the lack of maneuvering space and the fact that I had a cup of salsa in one hand (long story), I had no chance to end what was quickly becoming a very intimate moment. 6 rings can take forever. We made I contact for a brief second but I had to turn away as I started to laugh out loud.

Not sure about the accuracy, but this is fun to play with:

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
121
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Tell Me When to Go

2006-11-01T23:46:00.000-05:00

When I look back on my younger years, I feel like we had the market cornered on stupid shit. But now you can put yourself in mortal danger and then upload video of it for the world to see less than an hour later. It's called Ghost Riding Tha Whip. Here's what happens.

And here is where it goes.

And the origin. Ghost Ridin', Hyphy, and Stunna Shades all explained.

So Much Time, So Few YouTube Videos

2006-11-01T23:35:00.000-05:00

Not for the faint, a Halliburton employee in Iraq who's convoy is ambushed.

Something a little more light-hearted... if you like injuries.

Another injury video, this time we find out what happens after the America's Funniest Home Video crew packs up and goes home.

This one will dial it back to small funny animal cute. No surprises here.